TRAFFIC- ONE WAY

drey says that i should go for a veggie buffet cooked by her!

and i was upset today.
maybe because i had too much time to think of stuff.
and it got me all depressed.

i barely had two hours of sleep last night.
i kept having nightmares.
maybe its also because i had too much on my head.


i think my dream of part time manager can fly out of the bloody window already la.
after what happened today.
yeah.
my boss looks disappointed in me.
and i know why.
its not the first time he's told me off about something like this.
but did i listen?
no.
and its not the first time i've learnt the lesson also.
the second time.
the second bloody time.
i feel like a failure.


yeah.
today is failure day for me.
cause i found out that i'm a total failure in friendship.
but then again.
no one should be alone.


and i cried today too.
had to leave the outlet for a few moments to make a call.
thank you dunfu for making me feel better.
and catching my tears.
cause you know how to comfort me.

you know why i hate it this way.
know why i always take so damn long to trust.
but i don't want it thrown back in my face.
as far as i know.
its only going on way.

so lunch with drey was GOOOOD.
even though i still think that potatoes and onions are still veggies.
i think i'm making an improvement.
don't you think so.

hafiz bought me loads of candy!
and he paid for it.
and we dropped some on the floor.
it was EMBARASSING!


i'm too tired to blog la.
my head is not functioning properly.

to christie's friend.
yeah.
go to sleep.
it works.
stop crying!
it always hurts when a relationship ends.


drey said to move on.
i know.
and i've tried.
but i think i know why.
cause its my first heartbreak.
first time i've got dumped.
gosh.
maybe thats why it takes longer to heal.

but i hope what they say is right

that love will find a way.




so the date is inching closer.
and i don't know how i should feel about it.
thanks for all the sweet little notes you all leave behind.
you know that they only give me more courage and more strength.

and all coming too soon and i'm worrying like shit.
oh my goodness.
and i haven't decided what to do with it yet.

i don't know whats going to happen in the end.
but yeah.

its up and i dont know how the response will be like.

don't worry my darlings.
i'll be just fine.
i wont give in just like that.
and if i have to go.
just need you to know that you're loved by me.

NIGHT OF GLAM.

so here we go again.
when it involves three people.
i'm always at the losing end.
and i really do feel like a loser now.

and its funny how everytime we fight.
it won't turn out so bad in the middle.
and the end is always unpredictable.

dinner was good. according to AMAZING.
cause it it was free.
but she suffered the most.
thanks to shermann and i.
but we couldn't help it now could we?

lunch date on tuesday with audrey!
hopefully lexine can make it.
its been long since i last saw her and i miss her.

i was super emo last night.
and i ended up crying myself to sleep.
and i wrote this super long thing.
i'll post it off somewhere.

so in the end you choose not to reply.
maybe its better.
i prefer us to end on a note which is not so sour.

sher might be working with us soon!
i hope she has fun.

richard totally said something damn stupid.
he was like.
if pretty, start work immediately.
if not. sleep at home.
if guy, ask him go and die.
so people.
you should all know that he's horny.
yeah.

work later all.
maybe i'll see my long lost friend.
mr daniel lee.
who lost his manhood to me during pool.
no free drinks!

its the oscars now!
whoopie!
reese witherspoon looks like she went for a chin surgery.
and the winner of the oscar for best actor doesn't seem deserving.
not like leonardo dicaprio or ryan gosling.
humph!
but the best movie is still worth it yeah.


so let me laze around the house.
before i slog off at work.
see you later sher!

okay,
now can people stop asking me to eat veggies?
i know that they are good.
but then.
you should all know how much i hate them right?
so chill out.
let me try a little first.
i know that the date is not all that far away.
but yeah.
i'm still trying.
but if anything should happen.
love you guys.
:))

oh gosh.
i swear.
i almost died today.

manda, drey, christie.
gosh.
thanks for being clam when the news came.
thank you all for being my support.
and sean.
thanks.

its all coming soon.
and i hope everything will be okay.
even though i'm not really looking forward to it.
i'll try.

but something to look up to.
HONG DUNFU IS COMING BACK IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS!
and i get to be a communist when he comes back.
and my mum will have her chilli padis.


i should meet shermann and christie for dinner now.
bye all.
love.

ITS NOT ME I SWEAR.

i know what i want.
and i'm not confused.
i know exactly what i want.
but i can't have it.
thats why.

i don't wanna go around saying i don't know anymore.
so now i'll just decide what i want and stick to it.
it will cause much less heartbreaks.
much less turmoil.

its better this way and i know it.

so let me just tell the world.
i still love you.
even though its been long.
those messages i sent.
they all mean somethings.

that i still love you.

i'd say.
thank you bestfriend for late night chats.
i miss you many much.

and i'm just not in the best of moods.
cause people just dont know how to let me sleep.
like seriously.

i'm suffering withdrawal symptoms of not smoking.
since monday.
almost bought cigarettes yesterday.
gosh.

i shouldn't have messaged you la.
cause now i keep having the urge to message you.
things we going so fine.
with me trying so bloody hard not to message you.
or hear you voice.


i shouldn't love you.
but i want to.
i just can't turn away.
i shouldn't see you.
but i can't move.
i can't look away.
and i dont know.
how to be fine when i'm not.
cause i don't know.
how to make the feeling stop.
just so you know.
this feelings taking control of me.
and i can't help it.
i won't sit around and let her win now.
thought you should know.
i tried my best to let go of you.
but i dont want to.
i gotta say it all before i go
just so you know.
its getting hard to,
be around you.
there's so much i can't say.
do you want me to have to feelings?
and look the other way.
this emptiness is killing me.
i'm wondering why i've waited so long.
looking back i realised.
it was always there just never spoken.
i'm waiting here.

fourteen entries in a day just isnt good.
i guess i dont have much of a life after all.

goodnight world.
i'm off to sleep.
and wash the dishes.

i said i'm sorry.
what more do you want?

idiot.


so the next time you all see me.
i might be on tv.
for being dead.
unnaturally.
yeah.
maybe i'll get banged down by a car.
cause remember when i say.
its all going to be over soon.


when you kiss me like this.
and when you touch me like that.
and its all coming back to me now.

JUST A LITTLE BIT

this is CLAIRE.

so nessa isn't alright.
thanks to some one by the name of you know who.
she's been in denial for so long that it isn't good.

i'm going to try to cheer her up.
can the world please wish me luck?
i hope i can do this.

she's looking at her pictures and crying.
saying;
"how easily twelve years of friendship went down the drain"


claire;
peace out

SAY IT RIGHT.

i know something now.

after that little confession.
i'm not going to say anything anymore.

its better that i don't know you and i dont remember you.

rather than you know you and cry.
just when i havent cried in what seems like years,


daffy duck looks like he's got a dick on his head.

fuck.
you think i wanted to do this?
its cause you don't want me there.
you don't want me affecting anything.
its all about you that i complied.
i didn't want you to reply cause i don't want to know what you're going to say and most probably cry about it.
its the last thing i want to do right now.
its much worse than pretending that you're here and everything's alright.
i just wanted to tell you that i miss you so that i'll feel better.
thats all.

i am bored out of my fucking mind.

and i need to wash the fan and pack my room.

i shall wait no more.
so let me watch cartoons.

why can't they have more seasons of batman of the futre?
cause it uber cool.

let go get married now.
and live happily ever after.

cause baby i'm till in love with you.

and it would never end.

i'm sorry desmond.
i
m stealing your bak kua.

i don't want to wait.
just want to know that in your head.
you're not going to reply.

i'm sick of checking my phone.

its just to make me feel better.

and sesame street is doing a good job.

you school is going to end soon.
but please.
don't reply.
don't reply.
ever.

i've updated my wish list.
so it jsut means thats sean doesn't have to get me my encyclopedia anymore.
i never thought that he would have bought it for me anyway.

its one fucking wrong step.
and tears started flowing.
and i thought that i was better than this.
crying is definately much worse than pretending.
what in the hell possessed me to send that message.
i'm such a smart ass.

so how am i going to cope.

so plan into action.
i know what i'm about to do.

and its all just going to make my life easier.


smoking is out the window.
yeah.
i'm proud of myself.
got no withdrawal symptoms so far.
so yeah.
thank you god for helping me.


bestfriend;
i miss you.
i think you know that.
thats for the random messages that never fail to cheer me up.


AMAZING;
thanks for that.
it really was sweet.
we should go out sometime.
yeah.
we should.

you;
just try to understand where i'm coming from.
i thought you knew me.
a perfect reason why i didn't want you to reply me.
and you spit out venom like this.
its the people like you that make me crave for a smoke.
you should know that i miss you.
and i still love you.


jun;
grow up.
i know its harsh.
but tis all i have to say.


sesame street is on.
and i'm watching it cause there is elmo.

just so you know.
this feeling's taking control.

so things have taken a huge trun and it cause so much of emotional stress.
but its just cold war.
so i know that we'll get through this just fine.

i'm taking this a step at a time.
which would seriously be a better choice.

i hope i'm making you all proud by quitting.
its the least i can do for myself right now.

how it would be like to sleep and never wake up.
ever.
i know i'm better than this.

i'm just hoping that i can cope with this.


how does it feel that you're everything i need.


urgh.
to hell with you.

maybe its too much.
thats why its making me sick.

"Do you feel like a man, when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground"


so this isn't much of a life when i see the little note i wrote and break down crying.

and its all for you.
i though that i was done with you.
and everything else.
but fuck this all.
i should be through with you.

but i'm patiently waiting for nothing.
cause i'm oh so smart.
i feel alot better thank you very much.
cause i'm corrupted to a point of no return.


cause i'm the new cancer.
and you just hate the way i am.
and i don't mind and i don't care.
as long as you're here with me.
all the subtle hints.
i still miss you asshole.

i'll do it all over again.
cause it will still be the same.
the 8 most fucked up months of my life.
where your words keep ringing in my head.
it just doesn't work that way.
but i'll take you for who you are.

emy was right.
once a smoker.
always a smoker.
i quit for you.
but ill quit for the ones i love.
but its keeping me from doing something more destructive.
when you think of cutting.
do something else.
smoke.

yeah.
i'm proclaiming to you all.
cause i'm on the brink of a breakdown.
but i can't cry.
i just dont know how to let it out.
cause i dont know what exactly am i going through.
i want to cry.
but the tears won't come out.
and the fucking radio isn't working.
i'm not going to cut.
i'm not going to throw things around.
i won't punch the walls.
i won't keep to myself.
i just won't.

cause you cant see how much i'm dying inside when i dont have you.
i'm still dependant on you.
fuck.
when it isn't supposed to be.
sweet talker mother fucker.


but i'll be alright without you.

alright.
lets get this show on the road.

so valentines day is gone.
but i still havent gotten my flowers from my horny baby.
hurry up alright?

so i got the date of the meeting wrong.
its the first of march.
hopefully i can get to it.
gosh!
i'm all excited and dreading it at the same time.
oh well.
shit happens.


i still see you in my dreams.
why?



gosh.
i should totally quit off myspace and friendster all at once.
but no.
i should go add people who are celebrities.
but who doesn't have them on myspace.



i shouldn't over work myself.
when school starts.
it would be total concentration on school.
yeah.
thats the way!

what have i gotten myself into?
but i'm in the ExCo.
so who cares.
i'm going to do what i'm good at and the world is going to see it.
yeah right.
i just hope that i wont die doing what i'm doing.
meeting is on tuesday.
i hope i wont look stupid there alright?
i guess the reason why i'm chosen is cause there wasn't enough people to get chosen from.

oh well.
i hope i can do this.

i love you drey!
and lexine!
remember that!
i love you all!

so its VALENTINES DAY.
so?
its just like any other day.
so i can't really be bothered.

so to all couples out there.
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!


so i'm damn sick and tired of you.
take the hint.
i'm sorry jun.
but its the truth.
i'm not yours to begin with.

its been one day.
gosh.
i feel so weird.
damn it la.
amanda and drey and jared.
i'm doing what i promised to do alright?
i'm quitting.

i just realised.
that i haven't write in damn long.
i realised it on saturday.
when i was looking for a balance on my life.
it was then i realised that i lost time for my passion.
its all just sleep, school, work.
and now its the holidays.
time to finish what i started.
hopefully i get to do it.

wish me luck all.



you're the only one i'm waiting for.

you used to captivate me.

and i just finished work.
and i'm really really tired.
i guess its just the lack of sleep.

and i'm really sick of things that have happened.
and the things i've done.
urgh.
peace out.

you know what i want?
and what i need?


everything you couldn't give me.

cause all i got from you were lies and deceit.



well.
thank you for the venom.

LEXINE;
no matter what it is.
if i can't see you.
i'll still miss you.
and i'm still proud of you.
no matter what.
i still love you and there is no doubt about that.
you're the sweetest friend anyone could have.
and i thank you for that.
keep your chin up.
understand?
don't cry anymore.
just know that i'll be here.
do your best.
and i'll never leave you.
ever.


so now you're just so against me. everything i do. everything i say. just go ahead.
it doesn't matter. cause to you. i'm just a corrupted piece of shit. nothing more. you ask me if i have a conscience. i do. then what about you? who knows. i know that the things i'm doing now.
isn't the best. okay. maybe it sucks. but maybe its just the little things i need to get me through.
you say that i'm corrupted. mind. body. and soul. so be it. in the past. i quit cause of you. cause i was so in love. so bloody blinded by you. there isn't much i need now. i'm not happy with the way i am but i'm contented. satisfied. i can't say the same for you though. i'm trying hard to make it through. without you by my side. true enough. im falling. but since when have i stopped? but i've stopped crying. i've managed to stop crying everytime i think about you. and i think its good enough. i gave you something i never though i'd give at this point in time. but i did. and you just threw it back in my face. if it meant nothing to you. then so be it. but don't treat it like its some used up tissue paper that you can throw about anytime you want. i should stop caring. but then i dont know why im so upset about this.
maybe this is the reason why.
you've changed so damn much. who are you now? i dont even know. maybe i won't be living much longer. i can't move properly. eat properly. walk properly. breathe properly. maybe i should just drop dead all together.
but then its all just from your mouth.

but then.
after all that.
i've never stopped loving you.
and it never seems enough.


i still think about the things we do. and i know you do to. when you told claire that you think about me. sometimes. just not as often as i do.
but you're the thinker between the both of us. so go figure. if you didn't think that much. we wouldn't have ended up like this.

my class like weird now.
even girls are watching porn.
lord help them.

i don;t know where i'm headed.
with every word i'm saying to you.
i know i can't decide.
i don't know what i want.
i don't know what i'm feeling either.
i just feel that i'm becoming the person i don't want to become.
i dont want to be indecisive.
i don't want to become the person i hate most.

i've been getting horrible headaches lately.
too much of what i should not be getting i guess.
i promised amanda and drey and i'd quit.
its getting a little difficult.
cause its like.
just there.
and everyone around me.
this is what peer pressure is like.
fuck.
where's the candy amanda promised?
i've waited for kinda long yeah.


results are later.
all the best!
there's anthony.
audrey.
prince getting his math results.
raymond.
and i dont know who else.
well.
all the best alright?
hafiz and fadhly too!
make me proud.

anyway.
work last night is one of the most fun i've had so far.
sorry for the initial black face jo.
something happened.
but then shikin was insane due to the lack of sleep and fever.
so everything was fun.
finished closing at about midnight.
whoop!


sean;
after everything we've been through.
after everything you've did to hurt me.
i should hate you.
but i'm doing quite the opposite aren't i?

its been really long since i've seen sher.
its like she went extinct.
along with priss.
or maybe priss stole her away from me.
they all just went extinct.
just so you know.
i miss you so.
and everything we used to be.


i constantly wish to turn back time.
but it sure isn't right.
cause a simple thing.
can change everything else in the future.
like a butterfly effect.

dunfu is cool.
for accompany me all the way home.
and for letting me bite him when i'm upset.
thank you.

i miss shabs.
i promise you alright?
we'll take a picture.
and i'll put it up.
like damn huge.
cause you know that i love you and i miss you.
stop puking at sea.


i think you're the one who doesn't know whats going on.
i've made everything clear to you.
but its like.
one minute you're hot.
the next you're cold.
you decide where we should go.
then i'll tell you what you need to know.


CNY is coming.
i can't fit into my jeans.
and i'll just work until i die.
thank you very much.

so i went for the interview totally unprepared.
i'm so going to die.

anyway.
lets all jsut talk about happy stuff.
and i realised that i didn't blog during class today.
magic!
anyway.
i got my shoes yesterday.
for CNY.
and i feel so proud of myself.
i didn't have to spend so much on it because of my toufu!
he sponsored half and i realised that he failed his math.
really horrible.
and we walked all the way to bugis for yummy food.
and i thought that we got lost on the way.

i got my jeans last night.
the one i kinda wanted.
BUT!
i couldn't really fit into them.
i need to lose weight.
in like a week.
or ask toufu to stretch it for me my wearing it.

all in all.
it was a good day yesterday.
can't much be said about today.
i felt stupid.
but my teacher treated the class to pizza.
and we couldnt finish it.
and i had cake too.


you're sick and you still want to keep it from me.
you think its funny?
and i'm sorry that your phone died.
but its not my fault that you didn't charge it.
and everything will work out in the end alright?
if its meant to be.
its meant to be.
i'll support your team.
and everything is meant to be.
it will all turn out all right.
i have faith in you.
<3

maybe when we're done with endings this can begin.

maybe i was at the wake last evening.
and there were a couple of times where i almost cried.
but lets just pray for the woman who has to stay strong not only for herself.
but for her family and students as well.
i didn't mean to cry infront of mrs low.
but seeing her like this.
so fragile.
just breaks my heart.
at least he's with GOD.
and hope his sons can pull through this as well.

and please.
reporters.
don't go there.
and take pictures of the family when they are mourning.
have some respect will you?
let the departed be.



can i tell you i miss you more everyday.
you.
and pet.

so i'll just wait until the day i can come home to where i belong.

and so.
my stupid school.
decided that it was fun to have a fire drill.




i know i was such an idiot.
taking pictures of everyone.
but seriously.
if there is a real fire.
would you have cared about your belongings?
i think you would have died la.

thats jia wei.
he's damn tall.
183 cm i think.
haha.

the guard was trying so hard to close the door.
i know it was horrible of us.
but we just kept laughing at him.
then he tried to close the door from inside.
then he locked himself inside.
i think he'll die la.
for sure.


another two of my classmates.
gamers.
tsk tsk.
but a fun bunch to be around.

apple was pissed.
and thats my science teacher.
its a wonder how she can withstand the heat.
long sleeves all.
tsk tsk.

and i think i should shut up.
let the pictures speak for themselves.

i miss your voice.
its whats keep me going for so damn long.
everything i had to go through.
you were there with me.

so now i have a little more mess to go through.
and all i have are memories of your voice.
memories of you.
is it enough to make me pull through?

i know its more enough.
cause its all i need.

first things first.

mrs mag low's husband just passed away recently.
in a sailing accident.
please pray for the family alright?

and i forgot to say.
that the past weekend.
i went out with my mushroom.
and we had yummy food at fish and company.

and i dont feel like blogging.
i swear.
so until next time.

you fake yourself from everyone.
and you cry yourself to sleep.
listen for the phone to ring.
as you wait impatiently.
if you lose heart.
take some of mine just for tonight.
just for tonight.
waiting as time goes by.
wish you were mine.
i wish you were mine.
just for tonight.
if you lose heart.
take some of mine just for tonight.

i remember you giving me this song.
and we were at the library.
and all you said was this song was for me.
well.
this song is now for you.
hope you're doing fine.

i had a talk with amanda today.
yes fiancee.
we should go out together.
and go trigger happy!
i'm glad we caught up.
we shall not be like ego.
drift and come back then drift again.
i promise i'll quit!
like soon!

anyway.
AMAZING asked me to write something about her.
well.
study hard.
then come back to work.
so i can teach you how to steam milk.
thats it.


i told you everything that you needed to know.
but if you don't listen.
and persist.
you're going to end up hurt even more than you are now.
i don't want to contribute to that.
so think about what i said.

maybe i didn't make myself clear.
or you didn't catch me.
whats the point of waiting when i told you that your chances are zero to none?
what i sent the other day.
i didn't know why i did it.
but it was true.
but if it made you hope.
or gave you the strength to wait longer.
i'm sorry.
i didn't think that it would turn out this way.

you keep telling me things.
and i keep listening to them.
and the more i feel that maybe.
i don't want to know you.
and that when you know me.
for who i really am.
you'd run away.
yeah, sure.
feelings are involved.
but what am i to do when my head and my heart are conflicting?
relationships aren't as easy as it seems.
you said we haven't tried.
but i'm sick of trying.
its getting too much for me to take.
i'm trying in every aspect of my life and its just sick.
i've found my direction.
i know where i'm going.
thats all i need for now.
what i need is for you to be there to support me as well.
not as a boyfriend.
but as a friend.

i think my headaches only come at night.
after a day full of candy.

i almost died last night choking on my medicine.
i was so ready to puke my guts out.
but drinking lots of water helps.
and i decided to throw the other pill away.
cause i thought that i was going to let everything out though my mouth.

i don't know why i sent that message to you.
it just seems that i had to send it though.
urgh!
i don't know la.
but the reply i got.
it sent me into some kind of shock.
i didn't expect you to wait for me.
even though you were sick.
i told you not to hope.
cause its most likely not going to happen.
i'm just sorry that all this happened.

drey;
so tell me how you get so fly?
oooooh!
i cannot wait for holland village!
and eat yummy german sausages.
and beef stew!
and all the shopping we can do there!
oh yeah.
and one more thing.
i've miss you so!


my mp3 screen cracked!
oh my god.
i'm so going to cry.


sunday is going to mark the worst day of my life.
fear not.
i'll just show her.
yeah.
and hope that works just fine for me.
lets just hope.

i'll just come back later.

i broke my chain!
i was going to school everyday you know?
but oh well.
forget it.

you know what?
it has been so damn long since i've talked to someone on the phone.
anybody for that matter.
whether is it my bestfriend, son or anybody.
just kinda miss their voice sometimes.
even the most random person to call me in the middle of the night.
i miss your voice too you know?

so my head is throbbing.
my throat is killing me.
phlem is stuck somewhere.
and i really need to sleep.
this is the price to pay for being really sick.

so i'm off to work later.
lets just hope she isn't working.
and then i can have peace working.
AMEN.

valentine's day is coming soon.
i guess i'll never be able to break the tradition of spending it alone or like any other day.
so i'll tell you what.
on valentines day.
i'll be working full shift.
work until i drop.
cause the best way to forget about something.
is to fill you mind with something else and not think about it.
yeah.
thats the way to do it nessa!
i'll be proud of you!

off to eat half a packet of bee hoon!
that my mummy give me.
see?
i know mummy loves me.
like.
a whole lot.